is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This is my gift to your gina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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