I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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