i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
