Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
