I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
