apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
