I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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