Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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