So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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