Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
