Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
