new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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