i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
