I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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