i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
