I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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