my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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