My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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