I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
