Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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