My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
