ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I faked an abortion last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My breasts were aching with rage.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
