Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
