brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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