Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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