I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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