it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you win again, gameday.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
