Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
