I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
