Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
