as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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