I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
