My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
