I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
