I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
