i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
there is puke in my bra ... again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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