but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
