a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
