I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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