Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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