I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
