Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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