just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Please don't give away my fajitas
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
