I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
3 2 1 whiskey
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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