Someone shit on the floor
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
