Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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