and you said cock pushups were impossible
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My vagina is officially offended.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
