i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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