3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
