My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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